i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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