Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize