It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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