It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
