two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize