I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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