i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
