how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
