Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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