return my video game
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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