these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
