I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I look better un-naked...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
