it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Michael Bay diarrhea
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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