Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
