My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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