when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
