it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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