It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
