omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
