YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i wish my penis had a tongue
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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