I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize