If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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