i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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