My friends, they love my intelligence
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
