My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
