Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
