Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
