so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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