I just threw up on my dentist
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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