So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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