White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
