i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
