either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
