Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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