HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize