Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
