Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
