You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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