Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
