I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
