There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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