My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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