I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
