You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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