you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I checked into jail on foursquare
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
