My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
