i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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