Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
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