if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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