"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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