yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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