Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
