Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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