pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
