Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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