everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
sarcasm needs its own font
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
