legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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