a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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