Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
