Jerry, you need to find god
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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