Cold hands, warm shart.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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