This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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