I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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