You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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