For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
