I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
