I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
