Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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