The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
